I used to be the person who had it all. The new car, the big house, the white picket fence (er… chain link fence)… I used to think that having and doing is what made you a “success” in life. I was the person who had a NEED to achieve and accomplish anything that I set my mind to. I was the overachiever in school, the one who graduated early, got married early, started a career and had kids early… I guess you could call me the “fast track”er. I had no idea that leading such a success driven, fast paced life would eventually lead to a crash. And crash I did. I guess I should really say “WE” did. Because as much as my life is about me, it really is not. On October 24, 2002 when I gave birth for the first time, my life stopped being about me and started being about everyone BUT me. Which is honestly one of the only priorities that I had correct in my life.
What made life so hard for me was that I was the person who was given lemons and I did NOT make lemonade. I felt the insatiable need to make a beautiful lemon french pastry dessert! (no pressure right?) Yes… it was not enough to make it through… I needed to achieve, succeed and excel through it all. I quickly found out that “perfection” is not possible in life. I finally came to realize that sometimes, just existing through a tough situation, IS achieving and being successful! Once I started to realize that, I was able to see my life for what it really is.
In the past year I have found myself in a place that has re-adjusted my priorities. I no longer drive the brand new car. I drive a van that is new enough, and strong enough, and nice enough. After the end of this month, I will no longer live in the big house (I don’t say our house because this house is just that… a house… ), I will be living and raising my kids in the same house I was raised in and although it has weathered with time, I know that my children will learn the same valuable life lessons there that I did. Is it in the best neighborhood in the best school district? No. But it is sufficient. I am still running the business that I love and although I have had to step back for a bit on the families end of it, the weddings are still very much alive. I am doing about 1/2 the business I used to but it is ENOUGH.
2 Corinthians 12:9 says: 9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
The thing that I am learning is that the true beauty of GRACE is that it is sufficient. It is not always (but sometimes) abundant and overflowing, but it IS perfect and sufficient. Learning to be joyful in the sufficiency is something that has been a long time coming for me.
This passage in 2 Corinthians is truly is a word to live by. I am realizing that in my effort to be so strong and successful, I left little place for GOD to show himself and His awesome power. What was left for my Heavenly Father to help out with when I had it ALL under control… (HAH! HAH! I laugh at this now.) It was only when my world was falling down, when my daughter was born disassembled, when my marriage was threatened, that I figured out that I don’t HAVE to be strong and successful and proud. I can just be. Be still. Be quiet. Be silent. Because when I am not busy trying to BE… HE becomes me. Most of the time trying less, praying more, and allowing HIM to go before me… makes life a LOT easier.
Because I know me. I am a “yell”er, a fighter,a pusher, a doer, a strong willed, determined, ornery, crass, ill tempered, hot headed, overly emotional woman. I am all too often a lit fuse. I live on the edge of being completely burned out and on fire all at the same time and oftentimes even my LIT my fuse is way to short. I wish I could say I am all those beautiful things that the Beatitudes tell you to be but I am not.
Me. I am a sinner and this is my testimony.
A few things that I am but only through HIM: I am saved by Grace. Washed by the blood. My cup is full and runs over. I walk until I cannot walk anymore and then HE carries me. I fail and He picks me up. I am quick to anger and HE calms my temper. The storms rage around me and HE walks on the waters. I am quick to act and fast to regret. He tells me “Be Still and know”…. I have these huge plans that are unattainable, He finishes what I started. In every way that I fail, He succeeds. I am weak (in body AND mind most days) and HE daily bears my burdens. He heals, rescues and restores me.
Because you see, I pretty much suck as a person. As a human being, I am probably not worth the poundage I bear on my frame (which is too much btw… lol). But what I know that is somewhere in this mess of ME… is HIM. And that is every part of me that is good and beautiful. I can remember an old Amy Grant song that called Father’s Eyes. I think that might have been my first experience with worship. I can remember listening to that tape over and over and even at 8 or so years old that became my prayer. To have MY FATHER’S EYES. Since then my worship experience has come a long way but my priorities have remained much the same. I want to SEE the good in things when there is none around. I want to be loving and compassionate even when it hurts ME. I think I prayed this for so many years that it became a part of me! I trust too easily. I get hurt too often. Lying is NOT ever in my thought process. I assume the best of everyone (until proven otherwise). But somehow it is a fault and a gift at the same time. At any rate. I know me. I know that I am ONLY the sum of the parts that my Father has given me.. I know I am NOTHING without Him and I can only pray that I would make Him proud.
(Fast forward to 1:35 on this to hit the beginning of the song) Although I love that old Amy Grant song, my song inspiration for today is an old worship song circa the late 90’s from a little church called Brownsville. (my Pensacola family is laughing right now… for those who don’t know WHAT Brownsville was … google it. The Brownsville Father’s Day Outpouring, Pensacola Florida) I can remember standing for hours in that sanctuary with people packed in as tight as they could longing to do nothing more than STAND in His presence and pour out their hearts to Him. This song is the song that I heard the very first time that I physically FELT my Heavenly Father wrap His warm, loving arms around me. Our family was in an upset that I felt like I had caused and my heart just longed to be held. All of the sudden there was this rush of warm around me and I knew… i was being HELD by the arms of the ONE who would never let me go. I know there have been many variations of the song but this one to me, is the cry of my heart today…
- I am standing beneath Your wings and I am resting in Your shelter.
- Your great faithfulness has been my shield and it makes me want to say.
- Blessed be the name of the Lord.
- Blessed be the name of the Lord.
- I will bless Your holy name, for all my days. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
- I sing praises to Your name oh Lord for You daily bear my burdens.
- Your great faithfulness has been my shield and it makes me want to say:
- Blessed be the name of the Lord.
- Blessed be the name of the Lord.
- I will bless your Holy Name for all my days.
- Blessed be the name of the Lord.
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