It’s been a while since I have written. I need to write. After talking to a friend today on the phone I realized that I NEED it. I need to get things off my chest and to remind myself of a great many things. Honestly, I don’t write for anyone else to read it. I write for me. I write to document and to remember. As my brain continues to fade I never want to forget all these feelings and hardships. I don’t want to take one single minute of my crazy, busy, wild, amazing, wonderful, blessed life for granted.
This week has been a trial. My little sister was in a car accident and has had multiple surgeries to correct a nearly severed foot. One surgeon wanted to amputate… my sister is 20 years old. I thank GOD that he brought a doctor into her life that was willing to try and knowledgeable enough to find a NEW technology that gives her a second chance. It has been intense and she has been through a lot of pain. It’s not fair and I understand that almost better than anyone else. I don’t think that she THINKS I do but I do. I mean look at my kid. She didn’t ask to be born this way. She didn’t ask for 15 surgeries and pain and feeding tubes and catheters. That is not FAIR either. But the beauty of life is that it’s NOT fair… and in the unfairness we find strength, courage, peace, grace… we see miracles happen. You never know just how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have. I often think of how truly WEAK I am. Everyone comments about how strong I am and truly I am not. HE is. HE is strong IN me. I have very little ability to do ANYTHING on my own. Less nowadays than I used to think I had. I am a bit older and wiser now. I tried it the other… didn’t work out so well for me.
As I was driving today in the car this song came on the radio (Air1… my fave btw… if you are in Lexington it’s 107.1 now). I couldn’t hold back the tears. I just let them flow. I nearly got out of the car and knelt in a field because I was that moved. It was like my Heavenly Father reach down right into the middle of my crazy life, my stressful day and all the weight of the world that is resting on my shoulders right now and said these words to me. (music starts at 2:16 … fast forward to there ..)
Tenth Avenue North: Strong Enough to Save
You faught
but you were just too weak
so you lost
all the things you try to keep
now you’re on your knees, you’re on your knees
But wait,
everything can change,
in a moments time you don’t have to be afraid,
cause fear is just a lie
open up your eyes
And he’ll break
open the stars to save
those who cry out his name
throwing the wind and waves at bay
He’s strong enought to save you
Look
now is not too late
lift up your head
let the rain fall on your face
you’re not far from grace, your not to far from grace
And he’ll break
open the stars to save
those who cry out his name
throwing the wind and waves at bay
He’s strong enought to save you
I know the weight of this world can take you down like gravity and I know the current of yourself can take you out, out to sea but hold on, hold on
And he’ll break
open the stars to save
those who cry out his name
throwing the wind and waves at bay
He’s strong enough to save you
There I sat. Worried about everything and everyone in the world. Feeling like my whole life was about to spin out of control… like I had no say. And all of the sudden in the middle this cool crisp day, I looked up and the sky… was blue. The wind was blowing cool in my face and I instantly realized… WHAT do I have to fear? What is this LIE that I am allowing myself to believe? The wind and WAVES obey HIM and here I am worrying about all this little stuff… like it even matters. Like HE cannot step in and in one single second change my entire LIFE, the circumstance, the stress. Like HIS shoulders are not big enough to carry me AND my worry? I must have lost my mind. I must have forgotten… all those days and months and years. I must have to overlooked the fact that my child DIED twice and was without a heartbeat for almost a week. I must have forgotten that this time a few years ago my marriage was in shambles and Satan was trying to tears my family apart at the seams. I must have a short memory to neglect all the times that HE has blessed and honored HIS word to me.
If the even the wind and waves obey Him… He must be STRONG ENOUGH to save me. Today. This minute. Now. from life, from the weight of the world. from myself.
I find myself on my knees… reduced to tears and an overwhelming sense of how weak and small I really am. To some that would sound like a self esteem issue but to me… I find it quite the opposite. When I REALIZE how small and weak I am… I can begin to understand how BIG and WISE, HE is.
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