Tired
I woke up this morning and I finally realized how tired I am. This week has been such a good week. Very productive in the business, got a second look on our house and hopefully an offer today, Ky has had a good tummy week until yesterday, and I should have felt it coming.
I realized that I am tired. Tired in my body, my mind, my spirit, my heart. Tired of people asking- so how is the baby - and wanting to say- "If you had no butt, a heart that doesn't work, retaining fluid, upchucking everything you eat, burning your little throat, and a tethered spinal cord- how would you feel?" But I smile and say- "oh today has been a pretty good day".
I am tired of cleaning this house, yelling at my kids, and waiting for people to come "look" at it and then saying "well its a split level- we really don't want a split level"- FREAKIN A- its says that online. Did you think the house was magically going to transform overnight into another floorplan?
I am tired of explaining "what happened" and "what is wrong" with her to everyone when I really just want to say- go read the blog.
I am tired of people saying they are sorry. Being sorry can't help me... it just makes me feel like there is reason for you to pity me. Don't pity me. Pray for me , pray for Ky. That is what we need more than anything else.
I am tired of hearing her cough and gasp in the middle of the night and running falling up the stairs, no glasses on, hoping that when I get upstairs that it was just my wild imaginationand that she is really okay.
I am tired of shoving food down her throat that she doesn't want to eat... and medicines that are obviously very gross that she chokes and gags.
I am tired of looking at her and wondering is she too blue?, is she too grey?, are her eyes too puffy?, is that cough in her chest?, are her limbs too floppy?, should I call the doctor? am I being hysterical? Am I imagining things? Am I going crazy?
I am tired of surpressing in my mind all the wonderings. All the horrible thoughts that I push to the back of my mind every single day just to be able to exist normally and be a half way conherent mom and wife. The thoughts of what if..
What if I go into her room one morning and...
What one of the 4 surgeries something goes wrong...
What if I mess something up?
Why did this happen?
How will we pay for all of this?
How will we continue on if something happened?
When will I ever stop thinking about all these things and just be able to live?
And then I battle with the thoughts that this is all my fault. That if only I had not forgotten that prenatal vitamin that we would not be dealing with all this. This is my fault for not giving my body time to recover for being so selfish to want another baby again so soon. This is my fault for working too hard during the pregnancy and not taking good enough care of my body and my baby. And I wonder if other people think its my fault too?
I am tired of talking to medical establishments and hospitals and billing offices - and the million different places that all want money from me- I mean for god sake one place has called me 3 times to get $4 from me- 4 FREAKIN DOLLARS- write that off- that is the most ridiculous amount i have ever seen in my life!!!!!!! RIDICULOUS!
I am tired - I sleep all night tossing and turning with one ear open to make sure that Ky is okay.
More than anything else -I am tired of people telling me- oh God has a purpose for everything. It is CRUEL to believe that there is a God who would ASK my precious princess to HURT everyday for ANY reason. There can be no reason in the world that I can think of that would justify that. The same god that allowed precious baby James to be taken from my dear friend Blair. I just don't understand him some days. Today is one of those.
I will go take my prozac now and feel better in just a bit.
I realized that I am tired. Tired in my body, my mind, my spirit, my heart. Tired of people asking- so how is the baby - and wanting to say- "If you had no butt, a heart that doesn't work, retaining fluid, upchucking everything you eat, burning your little throat, and a tethered spinal cord- how would you feel?" But I smile and say- "oh today has been a pretty good day".
I am tired of cleaning this house, yelling at my kids, and waiting for people to come "look" at it and then saying "well its a split level- we really don't want a split level"- FREAKIN A- its says that online. Did you think the house was magically going to transform overnight into another floorplan?
I am tired of explaining "what happened" and "what is wrong" with her to everyone when I really just want to say- go read the blog.
I am tired of people saying they are sorry. Being sorry can't help me... it just makes me feel like there is reason for you to pity me. Don't pity me. Pray for me , pray for Ky. That is what we need more than anything else.
I am tired of hearing her cough and gasp in the middle of the night and running falling up the stairs, no glasses on, hoping that when I get upstairs that it was just my wild imaginationand that she is really okay.
I am tired of shoving food down her throat that she doesn't want to eat... and medicines that are obviously very gross that she chokes and gags.
I am tired of looking at her and wondering is she too blue?, is she too grey?, are her eyes too puffy?, is that cough in her chest?, are her limbs too floppy?, should I call the doctor? am I being hysterical? Am I imagining things? Am I going crazy?
I am tired of surpressing in my mind all the wonderings. All the horrible thoughts that I push to the back of my mind every single day just to be able to exist normally and be a half way conherent mom and wife. The thoughts of what if..
What if I go into her room one morning and...
What one of the 4 surgeries something goes wrong...
What if I mess something up?
Why did this happen?
How will we pay for all of this?
How will we continue on if something happened?
When will I ever stop thinking about all these things and just be able to live?
And then I battle with the thoughts that this is all my fault. That if only I had not forgotten that prenatal vitamin that we would not be dealing with all this. This is my fault for not giving my body time to recover for being so selfish to want another baby again so soon. This is my fault for working too hard during the pregnancy and not taking good enough care of my body and my baby. And I wonder if other people think its my fault too?
I am tired of talking to medical establishments and hospitals and billing offices - and the million different places that all want money from me- I mean for god sake one place has called me 3 times to get $4 from me- 4 FREAKIN DOLLARS- write that off- that is the most ridiculous amount i have ever seen in my life!!!!!!! RIDICULOUS!
I am tired - I sleep all night tossing and turning with one ear open to make sure that Ky is okay.
More than anything else -I am tired of people telling me- oh God has a purpose for everything. It is CRUEL to believe that there is a God who would ASK my precious princess to HURT everyday for ANY reason. There can be no reason in the world that I can think of that would justify that. The same god that allowed precious baby James to be taken from my dear friend Blair. I just don't understand him some days. Today is one of those.
I will go take my prozac now and feel better in just a bit.
9 Comments:
Oh Amber, I completely sympathize with you. I have been down that road many times before, thinking and worrying about those very same things. You know you're more than welcome to call me anytime, ANYTIME!!
You know people play the 'God card' with me too...sometimes I just want to say, well let's see how you would feel if God did this to your child. BUT I hang onto the fact that HE did choose HER for YOU and YOU for HER. You may never ever know why, but that's the way he wanted it as cliche as that may sound.
Maybe that's why I met you?? :) ((((Lots of Hugs))))
First things first-do not blame yourself. I did everything "right" and even told my drs. that I was having a girl with Down Syndrome and no one listened.Some people don't even want their babies like crackheads,who live totally decadent lives and manage to have the so called"normal"child.It's so frustrating because we have no control.I still feel guilty and Sabrina is 22. When I think about all you have accomplished, I could just burst with pride.(Also, in the middle of all your hard work, you and Troy managed to have 3 of the most beautiful grandchildren ever,and I thank you).Then,I think of Bri only one year younger,but years apart in so many ways, and it makes me want to scream.I hate the comment-He only gives these babies to those that can handle it-nuh uh-not always.Ky is so beautiful and I thank God that her problems are "fixable", and she will not have to deal with all the people who are so cruel when someone "different" is around them.Adults are the worst!You're smart in getting the prozac now; It was about 10 yrs before a dr.told me that I had depression from the guilt of having her but I thank God that I too am medicated.All my family was thankful, too.It helps but doesn't take it away.Sabrina will always be made fun of. Ky is going to be one of the most gorgeous redheads ever-(yes, I concede).I am so anxious to see what they become and how they will look grown up, and for now I am anxious just to get to spend time with them.
I love you all,
Meha
Amber,
I'm praying for you, for Ky, for Troy and for your boys.
Sending love.
Asking God to give you strength.
Wishing I was closer to help you take care of things.
Would love to give you a hug right now.
Please let me know if there is ANYTHING that I "CAN" do for you!
I am praying fo you and Kyleigh and your family. Many hugs- know that we ae all thinking of you!!!
Lissa
Amber, please know that I am praying for you and Ky and Troy and your boys. Praying for strength, and healing, and for the doctors who are working with you. With love.
Love you guys!
I have no words.....only heartache. Amber I so wish I could be there to help you. Please know that we keep 'mommies friend Amber' and her 'pink baby' in our prayers daily! We love you and pray that you can find the peace in your heart and moreso the strength to go on.....
Amber,
I know the pain of watching your child suffer all too well. Don't worry, God didn't do this to you. God is that light off in the distance that helps you get through each and everyday. Try to bring that light closer and embrace it fully. Look to Him to carry you through and He will!
Amber--Thank you for pouring it out on your blog. You know that all your friends are thinking of you and your family. Hugs and prayers.
Judy
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